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I really really need to finish working soon…..I woke up this morning straight into a full-blown panic attack. Scary. I struggled to breathe and my heart felt like it was going to jump out my chest. I’m not sure why!! Is it because I’m beginning to feel really closed in (despite being able to get out for walks), or is it my underlying stress of travelling next week? I don’t know. Or is it because the true reality that life post-lockdown is never ever going to be the same again, is starting to sink in.

Frankly, I’m really glad the planet is getting a chance to recover, that pollution levels are down, and the skies, rivers and seas are benefiting from less traffic, and animals are enjoying the freedom of less humans. But it’s the underlying fear of being in contact with ‘other’ people who may or may not have been exposed to the virus, the fear of inadvertently coming into contact with a smidgen of the virus left by someone else on a bus rail, supermarket trolley, underground escalators and so on. My grandson, although he doesn’t know it yet, is going to grow up in a world where hugging and playing with his school mates is going to be fraught with anxiety, a world where he will be wearing a mask….the most sinister aspect of this whole scenario (besides the virus itself), the worry of hugging my daughter and son-in-law when I visit – the inherent possibility of inadvertently passing the virus on, of entering someone else’s house….are they as hygienic as what I am? Do we still hug family when we see them again? Do we allow anyone to kiss us…even on the cheek? Being tactile could be the death of them or me!! Fortunately I’m not a very sociable person anyway and seldom go to places of high-density gatherings anymore, but there are still times when BC-19 we could just freely and easily mingle….especially the many wonderful London events I used to attend. Will all the amazing historical events go by the board? The annual traditional events around the country? Will I ever get on a plane again? All of these thoughts jumble around in my head…day after day. I leave here next week. I know I’ve been absolutely militant about keeping the house as uncontaminated as I possibly can (even upsetting the district nurses as I’ve said before), but I’ve got to work again…a new client, at new premises….has that environment been kept sterile? And then there’s the fortnightly travel from ‘home’ to work. I feel like just decamping to a remote island 😜😜😜

The fact that the UK’s death toll is now the highest in Europe doesn’t help either. And I’m not even sure we can trust that the government is giving us the full picture. They did a sneaky job of not reporting the care home deaths in the first few weeks, leading us to believe its less than it was….I’d rather it was less, much less, but to under report the true situation is just dishonest.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/uk-coronavirus-death-toll-highest-europe-cases-covid-19-italy-spain-a9499181.html?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1588669521

After all the misinformation and inconsistencies he has made so far in relation to the true number of deaths (under-reported) and the correct number of tests done by 30th April (over-stated), I for one will treat this statement with the suspicion it deserves: “Health Secretary Matt Hancock said there is “high privacy” in the coronavirus contact-tracing app.” So no go app… https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/breaking-uk-now-highest-coronavirus-21975258

I won’t be downloading it. I simply do not trust anything they say, anymore.

Anyway……

I didn’t go out today, decided to have a sleep instead….either read or sleep in times of trouble 😜😜 and afterwards I had a marvellous facetime call with my little family again….my grandson, albeit only 15 months old, is very astute. Normally either my daughter or son-in-law will give me a call and the boo will be with them or running around….but today Mummy was in the bath when she called and added Daddy and the boo to the call….he found it absolutely hilarious that he could see her in the bath and on the phone…..he immediately picked up the absurdity of the situation and went into gales of laughter. At one stage he closed the door between himself and the bathroom as if to say “I’m not getting involved in this silliness “. He’s such a divine child. We laughed so much at his reaction.

I’ve been watching the BBC1 programme ‘Life and Birth’ 🥰🥰🥰 its so extraordinary watching those babies being born, I cry each and every time. It truly is a miracle. Each time I see that little life come into the world, I’m reminded of the extraordinary day my grandson was born….being there to watch him make his way into the world, was an experience beyond all others. Truly we are blessed.

And that’s it really…a relatively quiet day…..cooking, cleaning, preparing cups of coffee and….et al. I love routine, but its beginning to wear on me now….5.5 days…

As a matter of interest, if you have the time, I’d be interested to know whether or not you would download this new app they’re talking about?

Take care folks and be safe.

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