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Archive for February 5th, 2011

I am not sure how this came about, but in the last few days I have been thinking a lot about things I miss.  I think it had a lot to do with an email I got with pictures of different cats.  I adore cats and right before I left South Africa in 2001 (gosh that long ago!) I had 5 of god’s beautiful creatures living with us; me and my daughter (another of god’s beautiful creatures).  And thinking about that got me to thinking about how much I miss the sound of a cat purring in my ear while it sleeps soundly and I am lying on the couch with the beauty lying stretched out along my body, fast asleep and purring loudly in my ear…and all the while I am dying to go pee but don’t want to disturb the cat!! 🙂 hahaha. that happened too many times to remember!

I miss our cats and how when they were kittens we used to laugh till we were hysterical at their antics. And then I got to thinking about other stuff I miss and coz my minds wanders as much as my ramblings on my blog, the range of things I miss are vast and across the years and miles.

I miss my Mother. I miss the sound of her laughter as she enjoyed something that had amused her. I miss her famous ham and pea soup and the cheese scones she used to make. I miss the smell of her and walking into the bathroom whilst she was in the bath and her hair was hanging loose  (she had hair down to her waist).  I miss how she always took so much pleasure in her grandchildren and how she used to help us (when we were little) and then the grandkids, to make christmas pudding – (she always made them in September so they could mature by Xmas). I miss watching her with her grandchildren.  I miss watching her ‘put her face on’….as someone who never wears make-up I never really got that! But I enjoyed watching her do it. I miss how as an adult, when I came to visit, she used to take me round her garden to see her plants and the roses that she loved so much…..and I know now how much I did not appreciate that at the time. (Sorry Ma!) I miss how I could call her anytime I had a problem or felt sad and needed a shoulder to cry on…..she was always there. I miss that I am not able to ask her all the questions I have now that my daughter is an adult.

I miss the time before she met her 2nd husband, the person she was before.  I miss walking to the shops with my sister; me 7 and her 4 years old, to buy bread and milk for my mother. I miss that we were really safe in those days and could get there and back without fear.  I miss how my sister and I used to buy hot white bread at the shop and the shopkeeper put it into a brown paper bag and on the way home we would eat the crusts off the end of the loaf and along the edges….never really recognising that putting the loaf back into the packet so you could not see where we had eaten it, did not mean that my Mother would not notice that we had eaten it when we got home. 🙂  I miss the days before lost innocence. I miss walking in the rain with my mother and her letting us splash in all the puddles, not minding that we got soaked.

I miss the anticipation of the holidays with my father in Cape Town, holidays that never lived up to my expectations but were treasured anyway coz I loved my Dad desperately in those days.  I miss my brother who died many, many years ago. I miss his mad ideas and his crazy, zany laughter that used to burst from his mouth.   I miss the nonsense we used to get up to and the secrets we had.

I miss my grandmother and how it was before she died.  I miss the great big rambling house she had where we could hide away with a book and never be found unless we wanted to. I miss visiting her on a sunday and being allowed to open the window-seat and choose a toy or a puzzle to play with. I miss her pantry and the knowledge that there were yummy cakes in there that we used to eat the icing off of! (this drove her to distraction and to us having our bottoms heated regularly). Boy she had a heavy hand did Grandma. I miss crawling into her bed in the mornings when I was little and having tea with her.  I miss brushing her hair (also down to her waist) and how she smelt of lavender.

I miss having my own home. I miss the feeling of knowing that I was secure in this space and that I could just be if I wanted to. I miss that it was our home where we had cats and dogs and hamsters and fish.  I miss the days when my daughter used to climb into my bed in the morning for a cuddle. I miss how we used to lie in bed together on the nights it rained and stormed and listen to the hail crashing down on the roof  and the racket it made (we had a tin roof – an old mining house).  I miss mowing the lawn. I miss my car…which is absurd since I love walking.

I miss the days when I could fix whatever was hurting my daughter with a cuddle and ‘a kiss to make it better’.  I miss the days before she became sad from disappointment.  I miss that I was able to make things better and give her hope. I miss how I could plan her birthdays and make them fun and exciting.  I miss the days we used to drive from one side of the country to the other on holiday, a journey of 1,600 km’s and how we would put the radio on full-blast and sing at full volume to the songs. I miss watching her sleep as I drove and the feelings of protection I used to have. Not that I don’t have those feelings anymore, just that they are different.

I miss my sisters……they are all zany and all completely different characters and I miss their funny ways.  I miss my great-niece and nephews, who are growing up fast and have no idea who I am. Ok, so they know about me, but if I walked towards them in a mall they would have no idea it was me!

I miss who I was before I got sucked into the personal development world.  I miss how I was able to just live and be.  Now I question everything I think and do, second guessing everything I feel and experience.  I miss that I didn’t know that what you resist persists. I miss that I could just go off and be who I was.   I miss what I had….total freedom.  Which is quite odd since it was working through the processes at one of the PD courses that I discovered that my highest value is freedom.  I miss that I didn’t know all that I know now.  I have no idea if that makes any sense, but it does to me.  I miss who I was before I got involved with MLM.  I miss that I didn’t feel like a failure before I started and now after 8 different attempts I have to concede defeat and acknowledge that it’s not for me. “If at first you don’t succeed, before you try again, stop to figure out what you did wrong” — Leo Rosten  Shame I can’t wish away the debt that came with it!!  I miss how excited I was at this new discovery and how brilliant I thought the whole concept was, till I learned the secret!  It’s a numbers game……..

I miss going to the drive-in (outdoor big-screen cinemas) and how we used to run wild about the grounds while my mother and her partner watched the movie.  I miss how we could watch movies like Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music and it wasn’t considered corny and pathetic. I miss how we used to gather together, all the family in one place to watch Dallas. Awful programme, but we were addicted to it. hahahaha. I miss when my sisters were babies and I could play with them……big dolls they were. I miss how I used to dream about having a happy marriage and a big house.

I miss the days before I knew I would get old and appendages would begin to ache.  I miss the days before I knew that I was not immortal.   I miss going out for ice-cream with my Dad and how we always disagreed on which flavour was the best….chocolate or strawberry. I miss being able to wear a bikini 🙂 God knows no-one else would miss that now!!! hahaha.  I miss the days when I was a credit-controller and how much I loved my job.  I miss the days when I ate what I enjoyed and didn’t have the word cholesterol in my life….although my figure looks better for it 🙂 HAHA!  I miss the days when I could sit down and read a book right through without stopping and not fall asleep after the first 3 pages (like I do now).  I miss the days before I had to start wearing glasses and the panic I have when I can’t read the bloody words on anything without them.

I miss the days I used to dance with wild abandon, and didn’t look like an old fart who should know better, how I could head-bang to my hearts content and not wonder if folks around me thought I was mad (I only do that when I am alone now) heehee. I miss LP’s (long-playing records) and the feel and smell of them. The anticipation of choosing a record, slipping it out it’s sleeve and putting it onto the turntable and the thrill of waiting for the first strains to fill the air.  I miss the days when you could go shopping and fill a trolley to the brim, and it didn’t put you into debt!  I miss watching the delight on my daughter’s face when she used to ride on the mechanical horses at the supermarket. I miss how I used to sit at the back of the bus on the way home from school with my best friend and laugh till I wet my knickers (gross I know), but I loved how she used to wind me up and how we got thrown off the bus for making a racket.

I miss how my daughter and I used to lie on the lawn in our garden and watch the planes come in to land at the airport that was not too far away, and how between planes we would find shapes in the clouds. I miss how when I was a teenager, my mother and her partner took us girls to the end of the runway at Jan Smuts airport for a picnic and gave us lessons on how to drive; the joy of being able to hop in the car and just drive regardless of the crashed gears and dents.  You can’t do that anymore coz of security issues; either park at the end of the runway or drive without a license!  I miss reading bedtime stories to my daughter when she was little, and the excitement on her face as we chose that nights reading. How she used be awake and I fell asleep while reading the book.  I miss how she thought I had all the answers. I miss our little secret signal that she invented as code for during times of uncertainty; that we could use to say it was alright.

I miss being able to just have a sunday snooze if I felt like it!  I miss Ireland and the fun times I had with my sister and brother-in-law while they still lived there, the excitement of planning a trip across the Irish sea.  I miss the days when I could just miss things and remininesce without thinking about what Tony R said……you can’t go thought life looking in the rearview mirror.  I miss the days when I could just look back and remember stuff without thinking of that and worrying if I should or should not be looking back! and if my reasons for looking back were good or bad! I miss the days when I didn’t question my every thought and wonder if they are ‘personal development’ correct or not!

I miss the days when I used to sit and knit and watch TV without worrying about other stuff I should be doing.  I wonder if I can even remember how to knit 🙂   I miss the days when I used to sit with my mother and sister and play scrabble, drinking copious cups of tea, how we used to play the glassy glassy game and scare ourselves almost to death when the blasted glass used to move!!!  I miss the braais (barbeques) we used to have at my sister’s house.  Not that I eat meat, but I enjoyed the laughter and the jokes and the nonsense we got up to!  I miss how I used to jump into a swimming pool fully clothed and not worry about it.  I miss how when we were kids my sister and I used to have to ‘stamp’ the washing in the bath on a Friday afternoon.  We didn’t have a washing machine so my mother used to put the washing into the bath to soak during the day and after school we would have to ‘stamp’ the washing to remove the dirt. I am not really sure how effective it was but we had the cleanest feet in the neighbourhood. 🙂

I miss how on a Saturday afternoon when I was a teenager I would head on over to my best friend’s house to listen to the ‘Top of the Pops’ and how we would lie on the grass trying to guess which song would be TOTP’s and how we would shriek with delight when our choice came first.   I miss how when my daughter was a little girl a box of smarties really did cure all ills.  And how she knew what I was up to, even thought I tried to do it in secret,  when I wrapped 20 little boxes of smarties into her clothes before she left to go to America the first time.

There are many things I miss, and there is a heck of a lot I don’t miss but if you have managed to read this far….I commend you and won’t go into the long list of things I don’t miss 🙂 ……so in closing……..

……..at the moment I miss the sunshine……..please come back, all is forgiven.

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